Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize