I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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