Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
