remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
