My room smells like vodka and shame
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
