My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
