Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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