Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
