sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize