I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
