So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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