seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
