I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
