First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
