Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
