Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we're so committed to being not committed
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
