everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The best revenge is premature balding
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
