Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
even my farts smell like vagina
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
