bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
