In America we eat man semen.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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