if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
