My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
