It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
