I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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