I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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