remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dignity is for republicans.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
