if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
