Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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