As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
