Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
