I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I take back everything I said about communal showers
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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