YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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