everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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