Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
