HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Girls should come with a carfax report
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
