I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
