Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
