I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
