Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
