I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
