Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
