I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
