His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
