her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize