I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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