dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
