nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
