I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
