Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dicks are not precious.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
