Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
