Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
