YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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