literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
