i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
