if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm passing your future prison.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Of course I have a pirate flag
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
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