You smell like stripper and shame
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
