The maid of honor just puked.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
