Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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