I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
