Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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