Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Don't make out with my wife yet
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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