i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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