It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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