I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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