I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
