Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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