I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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